Lately, it feels like every single conversation follows the exact same script. You sit down with someone, and within minutes, they are trying to convince you that the way they are:  every sharp edge, every cruel remark, every entitled outburst is because of their childhood trauma. They launch into the narrative of how they went through something so horrible, how they never had a happy family, and how the world broke them before they even had a chance to grow. Listen, I get it. I really do. I am sorry that you did not have the best childhood. I am not trying to be unempathetic here, and I am not minimizing the genuine pain of a broken home or dysfunctional parenting. But there is one thing I absolutely do not get: Until when are we going to let people get away with being an entitled brat, treating others like garbage, and joking around someone else’s deepest insecurities just because they had a terrible childhood?Since when did bad parenting become a lifetime pass to judge people, tear them down, and act like a bitch?

We have entered a cultural moment where the language of healing has been completely weaponized to avoid basic human decency. "I am healing" has become the ultimate shield against accountability.

But let’s call it what it actually is: raw entitlement dressed up in the vocabulary of psychology. Your parents’ failure to function well is a tragedy, yes, but it is not a legal tender that you can use to purchase the right to inflict misery on the people around you. This isn't a theoretical argument for me. I learned this lesson the hardest possible way, and the scars of that realization run deep. Back in school, there was a girl I used to help constantly. I did it because I was empathetic and sensitive enough to know that she was carrying a massive void—she did not have a dad. I looked at her situation with a soft heart and decided that I would be her safe harbor. But do you know what she did with that empathy? She took every single bit of that advantage to bully me. She weaponized my kindness against me, turning me into a target simply because I wasn't standing up for myself. I stayed quiet because I was trapped in the mindset of being "understanding," constantly telling myself, “It’s okay, she’s just acting out because she doesn't have a father.” 

It took years of emotional exhaustion for me to finally understand a fundamental, unyielding truth: just because someone lost something deeply valuable in their life does not give them the key to be mean, cruel, and vindictive. I am genuinely sorry for your loss. I am sorry for what was taken from you. 

But I am absolutely not going to be the punching bag for your unregulated emotions just to make you feel seen. This is a lesson that every sensitive, empathetic person needs to carve into their mind: being supportive does not mean you have to play the underdog just to make another person feel better.

When we suppress our own voice, tolerate abuse, and let people step on us just to soothe their fragile egos, we aren't being "supportive." We are abandoning ourselves. We are committing the ultimate act of self-betrayal, setting our own dignity on fire just so someone else’s bruised ego can be brushed and coddled. That is the biggest backstabbing anyone can ever experience, and the tragedy is that we are doing it to ourselves.

There is an ugly undercurrent to this trauma-dumping culture. People think that in order to shine, someone else has to be down. It is a cruel, competitive way to live, and it completely destroys real human connection. No one is asking you to step into a room, take the spotlight, and make everything entirely about yourself. No one is telling you to ignore your own history. But for heaven’s sake, learn to read the room. If someone else is having a moment, or if the collective energy requires quiet, learn to just be calm. You do not need to share your entire trauma history

every single day. Sometimes, supporting someone simply means listening. More importantly, supporting someone does not mean adopting their misery as a performance metric. It does not mean saying, “Just because you feel bad, I will force myself to feel bad too, just to prove I support you.”That isn't empathy; it's a codependent farce. We stand on one leg, warping our entire posture and

destabilizing our own mental health to hold up people who refuse to stand on their own two feet, and in the process, we completely forget who we are. You have to learn yourself better so that you can support yourself too, because if you are completely empty, your hollow empathy helps absolutely no one.Bottom line is ‘True kindness holds a mirror up to bad behavior. 

Enabling a person's toxic actions because of their past isn't love it's a form of mutual destruction.Let's drop the

excuses once and for all. We are all adults now. And as an adult, you know very clearly what you are doing, and you know exactly why you are doing it. The clock has run out on using your upbringing as an alibi for your current malice. It is time to grow up, look in the mirror, take full accountability for your actions, and stop blaming your childhood traumas for your toxic adult behavior. There is a particularly dangerous breed of person thriving in this environment: the pretender. I am sorry to be incredibly blunt, but some of you are just mean and cruel under the surface, and there is nobody more hazardous to a community than a person who thinks they are inherently "good" while pretending to be righteous just to gain validation, attention, or leverage. We see it happen all the time. They put on this beautiful, elaborate performance of being the ultimate sensitive soul, the damaged healer, the deeply giving friend. But the very moment they don't get the exact level of appreciation or praise they feel entitled to, they completely flip out. 

Suddenly, the mask slips, the claws come out, and they whine because “awww, nobody praised them today.” That is not goodness. That is a transactional, manipulative game. That is called being pretentious. You cannot walk through this life expecting everyone to treat you like royalty just because you are performing "goodness." True goodness doesn't demand a return on investment, and it certainly doesn't turn into vindictive cruelty the moment its audience stops clapping.

The world is not a sterile, perfectly curated therapy session where everyone is obligated to navigate around your triggers. Life is inherently unfair. People are unfair. People will let you down, systems will fail you, and your childhood might have been an absolute minefield of poor parenting and emotional neglect. But the moment you become an adult, the responsibility shifts entirely to your shoulders. Your past explains your wounds, but it does not justify the weapons you choose to draw against innocent people today. If you are using your history of pain to inflict pain on others, you are not a victim recovering from a gutter you are actively extending the boundaries of that gutter into the lives of everyone who dares to care about you. Stop expecting the world to bow down to your unhealed ego. Stop self-abandoning to keep the peace with bullies who wrap themselves in the flag of trauma. Stand up, hold your ground, protect your own spirit, and demand that the adults in your life finally start acting like it.

(Ms. Khushboo Jha is a story teller and author. She has written the book “The Doc and Dreamer”, and has received Atal Mithila Samman. She is a regular TEW columnist.)