Every single girl out there needs to have a checklist. Seriously, write down 10 to 12 hard questions about compatibility before you even think about looking at guys in an arranged marriage setup. Figure out exactly what you want first, so when you ask your questions, they cut straight to the point. I used this strategy recently. There was this guy I had already rejected before, but he came back crawling, asking for "just one chance to prove himself." I thought, fair point, let's see what you’ve got. During our conversation, I dropped one of my standard questions: "Will you take dowry?"

Oh, you should have heard him. He immediately started bragging about how he’s such an amazing, progressive guy. He literally told me that his mom used to pray to God to give her a son who would never touch dowry. He was totally glorifying himself.

I got bored of the bragging, cut him off mid-sentence, and asked, "Do you have a sister?"

He said, "Yes."

Then I hit him with: "Will you give dowry for her marriage?"

The boasting stopped instantly. He went dead silent. Then he said, "Well... it depends."

I asked, "On what?"

And he actually said, "If the guy she likes asks for it, I have to give it for her happiness."

Right there, the mask fell off. That one answer revealed his entire disgusting mentality. I looked at him and said, "Why? First of all, it’s completely illegal. Second of all, if poison is bad, it’s bad for everyone. It doesn't matter if you drink the poison or your sister drinks it both of you will die. Biology doesn't change that."

But he still tried to justify it, saying if his sister loves the guy, he'd pay up just to make her happy. So I told him, "Dowry goes straight to the in-laws anyway. If you really love your sister, give her assets, not a liability. Give her half of your property so that if worst comes to worst, she at least has her own feet to stand on."

Without even blinking, he said, "Why give her property? Just give the dowry and get rid of her.” And that is exactly how he and let’s be honest, most men truly think. Pay the cash, transfer the burden, and wash your hands of the daughter.

It’s not just him, though. This is the exact mindset of almost every father and brother in this country. They look at this whole messed-up system as something they have to do.

And if the dowry demands aren't enough to break a family, then comes the soul-crushing pressure of the "Big Fat Indian Wedding." Why do we do it? To satisfy a bunch of in-laws who are going to complain and find faults anyway! They will sit there eating your food while crying about how much better their own daughter's or sister's wedding was.

Let's talk about our relatives for a second. Tell me the most fake person you have ever met in your life isn't one of your own relatives, and I will literally bow down to you. We all know those four or five relatives who only call you to see what resources they can get out of you, while secretly praying for your absolute downfall. Being a woman in India is definitely not a blessing or a piece of cake. On top of everything else, you are born with a giant label stamped on your forehead: Liability.

Indian families aren't inherently evil for being scared of having a baby girl. They are just terrified of the brutal pressure society puts on them. Society has brainwashed men into believing that how much money you can burn on your daughter's wedding is directly equal to how much respect and wealth you have earned in life.

Look at what we are actually focusing on during these weddings. We lose our minds over shiny parties, expensive lighting, and designer outfits that people will forget by next week. We pour millions into a single night, but we completely forget to focus on the real human connection between the two people getting married. How can no one see how backward this is? The future of our society the literal next generation is going to be raised in the hands of this new bride and groom. If we actually want a society that is fair, empathetic, and real, we should be focusing on inner beauty, emotional compatibility, and human connection. Instead, we choose to obsess over an extravagant party that will never give anyone the actual satisfaction and validation they are begging for from this fucked-up society.We are sacrificing the mental health and baseline compatibility of a new couple just to put on a theatrical show for an audience that doesn’t even care about them. Do people even realize how insanely huge the Indian wedding market is? We are talking about a $130 billion industry. It is the second largest on the entire planet. The average Indian family spends roughly 20% of their entire lifetime savings on just one single day. And for what? For the approval of a society that will never be satisfied anyway!This stupid obsession with social validation is literally killing fathers and daughters across this country. 

Think about it:

• Farmer Suicides: Everyone talks about crop failures, but one of the biggest hidden reasons behind farmers taking their own lives is the crushing pressure of moneylenders. They take high-interest loans they can never pay back, just to save up for their daughter’s dowry and wedding.

• The Fear of the Girl Child: This exact economic terror is why female foeticide happened for decades. Families are scared of the future financial ruin a daughter represents in this toxic system.

Where I come from, in Bihar, this sickness is everywhere. Families will happily save up every single penny for a daughter’s dowry and wedding, but they will grumble and complain if they have to spend that same money on her higher education.

The conversation that happens around the dinner table is always the same old depressing story:

"Padha likha ke bhi kya karegi, karna toh shadi hi hai. Paisa padhai pe bhi kharch kro aur dahej pe bhi."

(What will she even do with an education? Ultimately she has to get married. Why spend money on studies when we have to pay for the dowry anyway?)
 

They are completely blind to the fact that they are trapped in a vicious, never-ending cycle of greed. There is no end to human greed!
 

In fact, in Bihar and many other states, the groom market literally has a rate card. It runs like a corporate business based on what job the guy has:

• IAS / IPS Officer: ₹1.5 Crore to ₹2.5 Crore+

• State Civil Services / Elite Doctor: ₹90 Lakhs to ₹1.2 Crore

• Bank PO / Software Engineer: ₹50 Lakhs

• Government Peon (Class IV): ₹8 Lakhs to ₹15 Lakhs

They treat human beings like commodities on a grocery shelf, adjusting the price based on how rich the bride's family looks.

How Can Anyone Justify This Open Exploitation?

A marriage is supposed to be two families coming together to build a brand new life. Let's emphasize that word: TWOfamilies. The bride is not the only one getting married here! The groom is getting married too.

So how on earth can anyone justify the financial burden falling 100% on her side?

How does society look at this setup with a straight face and think it's normal? It is straight-up, unadulterated exploitation of the bride's family. There is absolutely no logical or moral defense for it. Yet, the bride’s side continues to promote this toxic garbage by being absolute cowards. They justify giving in to these demands by saying:

"Beti ko khaali haath bhej dein? Sasural waale kya bolenge?"

(How can we send our daughter empty-handed? What will her in-laws say?)

They completely forget that their actual job was to educate their daughters. Their job was to teach them the importance of personal freedom, financial independence, and the fierce self-respect that comes with earning your own money.

Instead, parents happily turn themselves into financial slaves for the groom's family. They let themselves get exploited every single day, foolishly believing that buying off the in-laws will keep their daughter safe inside that house. If you look back at history and anthropology, the concept of dowry is a complete, twisted inversion of how humans used to live. Originally, in ancient tribal and matriarchal (woman-led) societies, the system was actually Bride Price ( STREE DHAN) . Women were recognized as the real assets of the community because they did the heavy lifting, managed agriculture, and literally gave life to the next generation. 

Because women were so valuable, men had to prove their worth to earn a wife. If a man wanted to marry a girl, he and his family had to offer money, beautiful clothes, cattle, and gifts to the bride’s family. Whichever guy could offer the most wealth won the match, because it proved he had the capability to take care of the new bride and their future children. That system actually made sense: prove your worth, prove you can provide, and only then do you get a woman. Since the beginning of time, men had to achieve things to claim a wife because women are naturally precious and expensive to maintain. But then, patriarchy took over and completely flipped the tables. Now, their demands are endless, and they want the best of both worlds.

They want a traditional woman who will move into their house, do all the domestic chores, cook, clean, and give birth to their kids. But at the exact same time, they want her to bring a mountain of cash and luxury gifts!
 

They have the absolute nerve to look at a bride and say, "How can I call you Laxmi (the Goddess of Wealth) if you didn't bring any actual Laxmi (money) with you?"

The modern Indian wedding system is a massive, performative scam. It is fueled by unnecessary show-off and extravagant spending at the direct expense of the hard-earned, life-long savings of the bride’s parents. As long as parents keep prioritizing a four-hour party over their daughter's lifelong financial freedom, this greed will never stop.
 

True empowerment doesn't mean playing the arranged marriage game and trying to buy a "better" husband. It means refusing to play a game where you are treated as a financial liability. It is time to stop burning our fathers' lives to feed a bunch of fake relatives who are just waiting to watch us fail. We need to invest in our daughters' education, their freedom, and the kind of self-respect that no rate card in the world can ever buy.

(Ms Jha is a story teller and author. She has written the book “The Doc and Dreamer”, and has received Atal Mithila Samman.)